It’s breakup season. And lets face it; breakups suck. We all know this. We fall in love, believe we’re going to live happily ever after with that person, and for some reason or the other, it just doesn’t work out that way. Sometimes there are greater things in life than “Love.” My girlfriend once preached these stages to me, so I thought I’d pass them along to my friends; who are currently going through their own heartbreak. They probably seem a bit ridiculous at first, but once you look back, you’ll see how each stage is a step closer to healing your dumb little heart after being in love! It gets easier with time. I promise.
~ STAGE 1 ~
You basically want to crawl into a hole and die. You don’t eat (this is eventually a good thing if you need to lose weight), you don’t sleep, you just cry and cry and look at pictures and remember all the good times you had. You don’t understand how life is still revolving around you while you’re sitting there like a wet blanket moping. You might go a full day (or two, ain’t gonna lie) without taking a shower. On Monday mornings, when your boss asks how your weekend was, you might start crying. As much as a tough ass you think you are, when you’re heartbroken, it’s the best feeling to cry and cry, and maybe cry some more. Even if you have an ugly cry. Every single sad song you hear will make you think of your relationship and the person you love. I think about this stage and it’s very similar to the Diane Keaton scene in Something’s Gotta Give. Please see below. (Click on the picture for a mini clip, I swear it’s hilarious!)
~ STAGE 2 ~
I was still moping around in Stage 1 when my mother snapped me into Stage 2. I was in bed at 9pm, she walked into my house, all the lights were off, my house was a mess, I was a mess. She said to me, “Becky what the Fuck?” (Yes, we’re cussers) And then said, “I did not raise you to be a weak ass woman where you let some man break you.” And yeah, that’s pretty much all it took. You’re the best Mom. Stage 2 is all about getting mad and unleashing your frustrations out at the gym. Instead of reminiscing of all the good times you had, you start thinking of all the annoying times or annoying things that your ex partner did. If you ever accidentally walked in on your ex making a disgusting face while pooping, that’s the face you want to remember. You’ll make a gross face everytime you think of them. This is the stage where you’re like: “That fucking liar.” These are the months where you’re still kinda hurt and sad, but on social media; you’re having the time of your life! But please, for Goodness sake, don’t be one of those people who posts a crap load of inspirational quotes, or quotes about not needing a man/woman or how you’re better off, or “it was a lesson learned.” We all know you’re crying on the way home so just be quiet and delete your social media for a while.
~ STAGE 3 ~
It will take months to get to Stage 3. Stage 3 is when you’ve finally realized that there is no reconciliation happening, it’s when you realize you can have fun again and just be yourself, and that it’s all going to work out. You basically give no more fucks. You’re finally ok with the memories. You’re finally ok with moving on. And you’re finally ready to sleep with someone new. Yeah I said it. It’s true! Now I will warn you, if you were really in love, and you think you’re ready for stage 3 before you’re actually ready, you might cry the first time you’re with someone else. So make sure you’re ready!
~ Stage 4 ~
This is the stage no one told me about. I thought the whole breakup deal was over at Stage 3. Someone lied to me! It’s like unlocking a secret level on a video game. Stage 4 is just about being genuinely happy. You have no ill will towards your ex partner. You can probably talk to them and realize that maybe they weren’t the person you once cried over. You realize that maybe who they claimed to be isn’t really who they really are. If they were a good person, you will be happy about them finding love again. Even if they aren’t, you just don’t really care. You begin to think that maybe the breakup might have been the best thing to happen to you. And maybe to them. Except, if you’re super amazing, it might not be for them. Which is what I always tell my heartbroken friends. “Fuck that guy he didn’t deserve you!” And for the most part I don’t lie about that.
~~
Now, if you weren’t truly in love with your partner, none of this applies to you. Because when you’re not truly in love and you give no fucks about your ex, you immediately go somewhere in between Stage 2 & 3. Becareful not to be a slore after this type of breakup. It’s not good for your soul.
Why am I even writing this you may ask? Well, because I’ve been where some of you are. I’ve been in love, I’ve been with someone I didn’t truly love, and lookey here, I’m alive and well and loving life more than ever. It just takes time to get there. Your life isn’t over. There will be more memories made, and you’ll thank your lucky stars that you’re where you are, without the person you thought you couldn’t live without. It’s a good feeling to be able to help your girlfriends cope with their breakups and no longer being sad about any of your own. And please don’t get me wrong, I am still a believer of love 😊
Now if your ex was a piece of shit, asshole (male or female), treated you bad, was a shitty parent; I will slap you for even thinking of starting off at Stage 1. And my texts will be more on the truthful side, just warning y’all.
Cheers Lovies!
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